“Suck it up, buttercup” and it’s toxicity
Hi everyone, long time no talk. I had to step back from blogging due to grad school and many other life things. I didn’t want all my posts to be my little life updates. But I am here with a different post than my usual ones.
Over the past few years, I have seen many therapists talk openly about toxic behaviour to educate others. As a therapist-in-training, I feel like it’s also my duty to do the same. But instead of talking about toxicity in a mental illness setting (because some people with a mental illness do exhibit toxic behaviours such as manipulating), I am going to talk about it in a societal setting. In other words, I plan to expose toxic things that we collectively do as a society.
The first thing I want to talk about is the phrase, “suck it up, buttercup.” Now, how many of us, when we are struggling, are told this phrase? *raises hand* As someone with multiple chronic illnesses, I have been told this phrase numerous times throughout my CI journey. Now, oftentimes, those who have said this phrase to me are people who do not know me well enough to know that I have sucked it up my whole life. I first got sick when I was eight, and it’s gone downhill over time. No matter what was going on with me health-wise, I sucked it up. I still went to school, studied hard and got good grades, went to ballet, danced in all my dance competitions, and attended theatre auditions/rehearsals/performances. Hell, I went to college and graduated. I never dropped out of school, dance, or any other extracurricular activities. I have a job, and I am in grad school. I take judo classes twice a week and am on my church’s worship team. Those are examples of how I’ve sucked it up my whole life. Those who’ve known me for a long time would know that.
To me and others I have talked to, we all collectively agree that this phrase is harmful and toxic — said to anyone, especially someone with chronic illness. First of all, it is incredibly insensitive. If someone is telling you how hard things are and you tell them to “suck it up”, you’re telling them that their problems are insignificant and should be shoved down. Secondly, that phrase lacks empathy. Now, I want to make this note crystal fucking clear: sympathy and empathy are two very different things.
“Sympathy is, by definition, “feelings of pity and sorrow for someone else’s misfortune “, whilst empathy is, by definition, “the ability to understand and share the feelings of another.””
If someone is venting or telling you about their struggles, they are probably not looking for sympathy. They most likely want some empathy (especially if you have experience/understanding of what they are talking about.” So telling someone, “suck it up, buttercup” lacks empathy. (Idk about you, but people who show a lack of empathy are a turn-off for me, romantic or otherwise).
Now, as I understand, many of us millennials were raised by parents from the Baby Boomer/Gen X generation. And a lot of our parents raised us that way. I know that this was the case for me. “Sucking it up” was what we were expected to do. We weren’t taught that it is okay to feel whatever feelings we have, and we are allowed to take time to really grieve whatever we lost. We don’t have to “just deal with it and move on.”
We shouldn’t have to “suck up” whatever we are struggling with. As a future therapist, I encourage you to sit with your feelings and work through them. Sing, cry, dance, scream into a pillow. Feel your emotions as emotions are “energy in motion.” You do not have to “get over yourself.” If we allow people who’ve lost a loved one to “take time for themselves to grieve”, that should apply to any aspect of our lives. We would never tell someone who lost a parent, sibling or close friend to “suck it up, buttercup”, so why do we say that concerning other things?
Next time you find yourself in this mindset, I encourage you to take a moment to really think about what you are trying to “suck up/get over.” Sit with your feelings, and notice where it hurts. Learn to love yourself there.
“Tell me where it hurts. Tell me where your soul’s on fire, where your skin, your heart, burns.
Tell me where it hurts. Tell me where you’re buried, what scars you’ve hidden beneath the dirt. Tell me where it hurts”
For example, as I mentioned, having many health issues/having to deal with them, I did not love myself in that aspect. I hated (still do) being chronically ill, and sucking it up was my way of trying to be “normal.”But over time, I learned to love my disabled body and work with it, not against it. That means not overdoing myself, getting plenty of (hopefully) good-quality sleep, taking my meds on time and removing toxic things from my life. I learned to work with my health issues instead of ignoring them/pretending they don’t exist. Doing that got me to a place of relatively stable health to where I can really enjoy/love my life.
Lastly, if this is how you were raised, I invite you to ponder if it is something you still abide by, why you do (or don’t) and if that is something you want to promote to others. I invite you to decide to break that generational curse. If you don’t have kids but work with kids, please don’t project that onto those you work with. It doesn’t do anyone any good.
Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk. As always, don’t forget to like this post and follow me on all social media (links below). Sending you all the light and love in this world.
