Love Yourself This Valentine's Day
“The most important relationship in your life is the relationship you have with yourself. Because no matter what happens, you will always be with yourself.”
On this Valentine’s Day, or Single Awareness Day, as I like to call it, I want to share some advice on relationships and self-love. One thing I have noticed in observing friends bounce around different relationships is that some of us unconsciously place expectations on others that we would have liked to fulfilled for myself. This is unhealthy as it may become an emotional burden to others and create destructive behavioral patterns. It doesn’t matter how much we care about and love the people in our lives unless we are authentic ourselves, we will keep filling the absence in our life through relationships. Here are five thought-provoking and insightful questions to consider when it comes to self-love.
1. We must first be happy with ourselves in order to make others happy.
Some say that entering a relationship can help elevate our mood and get us out of an emotional rut, but that is, unfortunately not true. The high we get from entering a new relationship can get us out of a rut, but that is only a temporary fix. That high we get when entering a new relationship is not real happiness, it’s oxytocin (aka the love hormone). And that high we get that drives us to do sweet things for our partner will not last unless we are truly happy with ourselves.
Now ask yourselves these questions:
- Am I happy with myself?
- Am I able to independently make myself happy?
- If not, what do you feel needs to be added?
2. We can only give what we have in ourselves.
One important lesson I’ve learned over the past year is that I can only give out what I have, like a vending machine, so to speak. If the vending machine is out of something, it can’t give it to people who need it. Because of this, we need to feel whole and complete as much as possible. This can come from learning about the Dark Night of the Soul phenomenon. We can also learn about our Shadow Self, what Soul Loss is, and finally, Soul Retrieval. Understanding the three phenomenons linked above has helped me learn that unless the person I’m interested in is whole and happy with himself, that person will not be able to give back the kind of love that is whole and happy after the love hormone has run out.
We can only give love if we have love within ourselves. We can only show compassion if we have compassion for ourselves. We can only be understanding towards others if we have an understanding towards ourselves. We can only accept others if we have accepted ourselves.
3. We see the world through the person that we are.
“We don’t see things as they are; we see them as we are.”
We see the world through the lens that we wear. When I say that, I mean we see the world through the lens we are through our faith, mindset, attitude, morals, and personality traits. We must understand that people are different and others may see things differently than us depending on how they grew up.
For example, my mum grew up in India, where a woman’s monthly cycle, sex, etc., is a taboo topic. In contrast, growing up in America and in a different century, talking about your period or sex seems like a casual conversation. Because of how those topics were viewed when she grew up, it made her very uncomfortable to talk to me about those things.
It’s still natural for us to see things as we are. As a result, we attract what we are. So if you want to change whom you attract, you must first change yourself.
4. We attract what we are.
Continuing on with the point above, we attract what we are. So before you go through your list of must-have qualities in a partner, ask yourself whether you harbor the traits yourself.
- Do you expect your partner to be fit and active, but you are a slob?
- Do you expect your partner to be hard-working, but you are lazy?
- Do you expect your partner to be happy and positive, but deep down, you’re actually bitter and negative?
Sure, some traits may be complementary, as too much of the same quality could backfire. Qualities that complement your own can create balance and support one another harmoniously.
For the longest time, I was attracted to people with mental illnesses, the past three serious relationships I’ve been in, the one main thing we had in common was mental illness. I wasn’t attracted to people with mental illness in a fetish way - it just happened that I was looking for company with people who understood me. But now that I’m older and single for the time being, I know now that, yes, I do want someone who understands my struggles with mental health, but I do not want to date someone who has the same problem as I do because we could potentially be triggers for each other (as I found out with a long time friend of mine). I guess the old psychology saying, “Misery loves company,” comes into play here.
But before you go looking for a relationship, it’s essential to ask yourself whether you’re ready to become a good partner before asking for one.
Ask yourself these questions:
- Are you ready to become a good partner?
- Do you have in you what you expect to receive?
- Are you ready to give in order to get?
5. To attract love that is whole, we must first heal our wounds.
We all have ideals and dreams for the kind of love that we want in our lives. But the idea of our perfect love is never perfect because no one is perfect. We all grew up wounded in some ways; some of us have more emotional baggage than others. Some people have taken the time to look inward and do some inner work to heal themselves. In contrast, some have jumped from one love to another only to realize they have been attracted to the same kind of wounded souls (I’m very guilty of the latter).
At one point in your life, you will become tired of being attracted to the same kind of wounded souls. You may ask yourself internally, “what is wrong with me?” If you ask yourself that question more times than not, you might realize that the wound the person you’re attracted to has is similar to your own deep wound. That’s why you keep being drawn to it.
For us to stop stepping into the same pattern, walking the same old role, we must find the fork in the road and choose the less traveled road. We must first look inward and become conscious of the unconscious. We must ask ourselves deep questions that are unpleasant to ask or think about. This will help us recognize and break the pattern when we feel ourselves entering the same path we are naturally drawn to.
Here are some deep and slightly painful questions to ask yourself:
- What is my childhood pain?
- How is my childhood pain making an unconscious effect in my day-to-day decision and attraction in life?
- How does being with someone with the same childhood pain comfort me?
- Has this person with the same pain healed their wound and become happy and whole? If not, how is this person’s childhood pain affecting their relationship with themselves, others, and their romantic partner?
Looking at your partner’s and ex-partner’s wound might help you recognize something in yourself.
“Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.”
And that concludes this post. As always, if you enjoyed this post, make sure you like, comment, and share this post. Follow me on social media (listed below). As always, sending you all the light and love in this world. See you next time!
