My College Years (In Review)
“This is my fight song. Take back my life song. Prove I’m alright song. My power is turned on. Starting right now I’ll be strong. I’ll play my fight song. And I don’t really care if nobody else believes. Cause I’ve still got a lot of fight left in me”
The day I have been waiting for eternity has come at long last. I will graduate from University tomorrow evening, and I cry whenever I think about it.
Uni has been some of the most challenging years of my life. There were days when I didn't think I would make it to today, so in honour of this momentous occasion, I wanted to review my college years. For those who didn't know me before I started college, my story will be new to you. For those of you who met me part way through or recently, either all that I am going to share is new, or it'll be a new perspective on events that you have witnessed but didn't know the whole story.
I will stay this before I begin. My story is rough and raw, and honest. It gets very dark at times and is not for the faint of heart. I won't be sharing explicit details about some of my experiences, but if you get easily triggered, please exit out of this post now. I am being very vulnerable in sharing what I am, so please keep that in mind. And with that said, let's rewind five years.
2015-2016
Honestly, I don't remember much about my first few years in college. I was attending classes at the local JC and working on the side. I was still dancing then but knew I was getting ready to quit. In 2016, I auditioned for an original play called Beauty & The Buccaneer (aka a pirate version of Beauty & The Beast). I got cast as Rosa - one of the silly girls (aka Gaspard's fangirls). Doing this show was when I realized how much I wanted to be an actor. I absolutely loved going to rehearsals, making friends with my cast mates (I see you, Brandon, and Fayren), and finally getting to be the theatre nerd everyone now knows me as.
On the opening night of Beauty & The Buccaneer, my friend Fayren (who played Pearl, aka Belle) was going to meet the dog she was going to adopt and brought me along with her. I had wanted a dog for a couple of years, but I knew that the dog I got had to be small, mellow, quiet and sweet. There, I met Rose (aka Bella, my dog). I truly believe that Bella (the dog) chose me. The owners put her in my lap; she looked up at me and then fell asleep. I knew I had to have her, and I am forever thankful that I was able to adopt her. Bella (the dog) is truly an Earth angel and is one of my primary sources of joy (besides musicals).
During rehearsals for Beauty & The Buccaneer, I met a girl named Gracie who had just transferred to a local university and really liked it. I was curious, so I went on a school tour, met with an advisor and decided to apply.
In December 2016, I was in a Christmas variety show called Believe In Christmas. I was the featured dancer. I chose to do a Clara variation and a Sugar Plum Fairy variation (self-choreographed). I was also featured in several songs. I was doing my makeup for the show when my mum came and handed me the phone. I was puzzled but answered it anyways, as one does when someone passes them the phone. It was my academic advisor calling to say that I got accepted. I was so thrilled - ya'll have no idea. I didn't even have the words to converse with my advisor. I hung up the phone and cheered so loudly. I told the director my fantastic news when I got to the theatre. Turns out that both the director and a few of the older cast members had also attended the same school. Even more incredible was the director announcing my acceptance after I finished my Sugar Plum Fairy dance. I remembered not hearing that announcement and was puzzled when everyone congratulated me and asked me what I planned to study. I kept saying, "thank you and psychology." but it wasn't until I was heading home did my mum tell me about the directors' announcement.
2017 - The Blip
After what seemed like months but was only 4 weeks - the day finally came. I got to move to University. I lived in a mod (aka sophomore dorms, aka big house with no kitchen). It was my first time living alone away from my parents, and I was thrilled but terrified. Home wasn't an outrageously long drive away, so I could go back on the weekends, but for the most part, I was truly on my own. It was definitely rough for the first few weeks. It was tough and challenging for me to adjust to having a roommate, to the high intensity of upper-level Uni classes, finding out where all my classes were, etc. When I first moved in, a line from Twilight kept going through my head, "it's like first grade all over again, and you're the shiny new toy." I felt like I was the new toy in the mod I moved into. All the girls there already had a while to get to know each other, but only one girl knew me before I moved in (love ya, Gracie). Unfortunately, my reaction to extreme stress is getting the flu/bronchitis. So in a typical Selene fashion, I got sick the first week of school and missed the entire second week. Once I was better and entirely situated - I started to enjoy my classes and the hustle of campus life.
Midway through the semester, I started rehearsals for a brilliant original play called Framed! A Fairytale Mystery, so every Monday night, I would return to my hometown for rehearsals. I didn't mind because another cast member would pass by my school on the way to my hometown for rehearsals. It was only fitting that he would pick up/drop off Gracie and me. I always brought my laptop with me so I could do my schoolwork in between my scenes. During the rehearsal period for Framed, I injured the same ankle twice and was in a cast for the latter half of rehearsals and then a boot for tech week-the end of the show. The cool thing about being in an original play is having parts of you (such as an injury written into the play) - as was the case for this show. It ended up being a hilarious part of my character. FIT- the Fairy In Training who broke her ankle from dancing too much (sounds like a typical Selene thing to do).
From being immobilized in a cast/boot for roughly four months, I started dealing with intense ankle pain unrelated to my injury. After much research, I was finally diagnosed with Complex Regional Pain Syndrome in July 2017. The crazy thing about CRPS is that it can travel/up down a limb and mirror to the other side. What started out as CRPS in my left ankle slowly turned into CRPS from my waist down. Now let me tell you - CRPS pain is intense. No joke - my legs felt like they were fully frostbitten, wrapped in barbed wire, rubbed with salt, soaked in gasoline, and lit on fire. Ouch, right? It got to the point where walking was too exhausting and painful, so and began to use a wheelchair when I was going to classes on campus. It was really, really hard because I went to school walking on a Friday and then showed up on Monday in a wheelchair. It was a massive shock to everyone (including myself), and I had no idea how to explain my condition to people when I barely understood it myself. I was also deeply insecure then, so adjusting to this new reality made it all the worse. I was not confident, and it showed. I had my shoulders forward, earbuds always in and I just looked sad. Because I was.
In dealing with chronic pain, I started to deal with severe depression and anxiety. I'll spare you all the details, but the end of 2017 was an absolute shit show regarding my mental health. I had some very traumatic experiences, and that event was the start of, what I like to call, The Blip (if you're a Marvel fan, you'll understand my reference). I was so thankful when school was over for the semester, and I could hide at home for a few weeks. I remember my hope for 2018 was for things to get better…
2018
…well they didn't. 2018 was hands down one of the worst years of my life, and I am very glad that The Blip has erased the majority of the bad memories from that year. My CRPS pain was through the roof, I was in a constant 24/7 flare. Somedays, I couldn't get out of bed; the pain was so bad, which only added to my depression. I felt chemically subjugated and controlled by my "Dreykov" (the name I gave my chronic pain and depression. Again, Marvel fans will understand what I'm saying). Not being able to get out of bed, I obviously couldn't make it to all of my classes, and thus, I started to fail school. I was given two options: stay, likely not pass and be unable to return in the fall or take an MLOA (medical leave of absence) and come back in the fall. I had no choice but to choose the latter. I was devastated when I had to leave Uni, and I knew I had to move out as fast as possible.
The rest of 2018 was me trying to get out of Dreykov's control. I'll spare you all the horrible details, but 2018 was lofász (or horse dick in Hungarian). I'm not going to sugarcoat that. 2018 made 2020 look like a walk in the mother-freaking park. I am very thankful to not have many memories of 2018 but even looking back on old photos/journal entries doesn't help much. I don't have the words to explain how hard that year was for me. I turned 21 that summer, which was cool, but I was so lost. I didn't know who my friends were or who I could trust.
The one thing that kept me sane in 2018 was discovering The Prom Musical. I fell in love with that show and with Caitlin Kinnunen (or CK, as I lovingly call her). I remember having a wee blether (a Scottish phrase meaning "little chat") with my voice coach about CK. I remember telling her how much I wanted to be like CK. To be fearless. To be authentically and unapologetically myself. She said to me that those feelings will come with age and that once I get to my later 20s - I'll be the same way (more on this later).
2019
2019 was better. In the spring of 2019, I went to NJ/NYC to see The Prom. I was so excited but also horribly nervous. Flying to NJ was only my second solo trip across the country, and I had never had a 4+ hour long layover between flights. I knew I'd be fine once I got to NJ and was with family. And I was.
The trip was absolutely incredible. I had food at the Ellen Stardust Diner - I saw the waiters dancing/singing on tables. And I got to see my favourite musical ever. I cried so much during Unruly heart, and when CK took her bow, I screamed and clapped loudly for her. I definitely became more in love with the show after seeing it live. To this day, I have zero regrets about seeing it.
I was still struggling with Dreykov's control, friendships, and school. I was still having issues with in-person classes. Not so much attending them but retaining what I learned/studying for exams. I was on a few meds for my depression and for my pain. The biggest problem I think I had with those meds was the inability to read and retain what I read. That made studying a nightmare for me, so I decided to join my Uni's online program at the end of the spring semester. It was one class per six weeks, all the classes were project-based (no exams), and it was entirely online with a weekly session via Zoom on Monday nights. This was when I really began to soar. I was finally doing exceptionally well in school, I had already said goodbye to my wheelchair because my CRPS pain had lessened up to the point of not needing it, but there was one final thing I knew I had to do to become my most authentic self.
During the summer of 2019, I started to develop an aversion to the meds I was on. Not only did I not like how they made me feel, but I also physically couldn't swallow them anymore. So - with the doctors' approval - I started the tedious journey of stopping all my meds. Now I know this sounds absolutely nuts, but doing this was the best decision ever. Getting off them was like the "red dust/antidote to Dreykov's chemical subjugation." That is part of what made 2020 a good year for me personally.
2020
2020 is the year I fully came into myself. After stopping all my meds, I could finally think for myself again. It felt like the thickest, heaviest dark cloud had lifted from my brain. I could read again, and I could retain what I was reading. In restoring that ability, I achieved my main goal for the spring semester, Straight As. A perfect well-rounded 4.0 GPA. I was ecstatic, and I think I cried when I saw my final grades for the semester.
2020 was the year when I was finally healthy enough to start working again. It's been wonderful having a job again and a steady income. I didn't realize how much I missed being busy until I was too busy to miss it.
I have never been more authentically myself than I am right now as I write this reflection post. I have my dinner beside me, a Rum & Coke on my table, my current favourite musical playing and my dog at my feet.
Remember how at the end of 2018, I wanted to be fearless/authentically myself like CK is? I have genuinely embodied that "fearlessness" that lil 21-year-old me wanted. Not only am I more fearless in life, but I am also way more confident. I genuinely don't give a flying fuck what others think of me. I make no apologies for who I am, and I will never become less because someone else can't handle me. If you are reading this and you knew me last year or years prior, or somehow, we stopped being friends when I was going through the thick of it - you did not know me. The real me. I have never been more me than I am right now. So please reach out; I would love to get back in touch with you.
Now I know what you're probably thinking. "Uh…Selene. You haven't mentioned COVID-19 yet." I know. I'm getting to that. Yes, I did have to move back home when the lockdowns started, but I did not miss a beat academically. Online college has been a breeze for me, and I can attribute that to my program being built to be online. Let me say that again. My program was created to be online. It has nothing to do with intellectual ability. I truly believe that online classes won't work unless designed to be online, so to all of you who are struggling with school, it's not your fault, and you're no smarter because of it. Online classes meant to be in person will be super hard to do online. I feel for you.
Even though you don't have senior quotes in college, I decided to have one anyways. I chose the chorus of Fight Song by Rachel Platten because graduating is my fight song. I worked incredibly hard to get to where I am, and this is the song I chose to end my college years with. Not only did I prove all the people who didn't believe in me wrong - I proved myself wrong. When I was frozen to the floor or in the middle of a mental breakdown, I would never have imagined being where I am now. Graduating college during a pandemic - no less. If me graduating is not the best way, I can say fuck you to Dreykov- I don't know what is.
And with that - I can close the book (yes, book, not chapter) what has been the craziest, wild, scary, exhausting five years of my life. I'm sure there will be many more challenging years and adventures to come, but I'll be here to share them all with you. I hope you all have a wonderful week. Sending you all the light and love in this world.
